I’m sure many of you have seen the recent news that Tom Felton was apparently due to become the next 50-Cent… except… he’d probably be something like 50-Quid or, if he was going to become a Harry Potter Musician, 50-Knuts (I think that’s a very rapper name, don’t you? Fits well with all kinds of wonderful stereotypes]. The fast-talk/poetry take over, however, seems to have been a few knuts short of a Bertie-Botts-Every-Flavour-Forbidden-Forest-Trail-Mix — What a mouthful (See what I did there?). [Dragon Dung cashews anyone? Hide-of-Centaur peanuts? Will you ever eat cashews or peanuts again, I wonder (I don’t, really…)?].

Where did I get this reliable sort of information? Well, from the lips of the would-be rapper himself, o’ course. Fiddy-Quid/Knuts (He’s going to be trans-magical-barrier, incidentally) said that, just like actual rap (I’m trying to be as politically incorrect as possible here. Also, the emphasis below is mine):

“I can only think that it was an attempt at dry wit that went completely over their head. I don’t know. Needless to say, I’m not planning on taking the UK grime scene by storm.”

The Hollywood Reporter then asked him, if he was going to be a rapper, what would his name be? Tom Felton replied:

“I have no idea. That’s a good question, I’ll think about it”

All I can say is I’ve got two names ready for the taking. He doesn’t even have to ask. So go ahead, Tom, go over the humanly-possible-talking-speed-limit and wow us with your warp-speed poetry.

I have a last lingering question, however: if one were to take the UK Grime scene by storm, would it still be called a “Grime” scene if the grime all gets washed away by the rain? What if it was acid rain. The Acid Rain scene… I think I like that.

Well, here we are again, Avada Kedavra-ing rumors! They call us Felt-Ninjas by nightfall. We have six strings for our ironically-silent weapons.

Over-and-Out